Pipe Smoke ( Vitamin N)
EKCAPA prides itself on clarity of thought, and it is our contention that this can only be achieved through drawing thoughtfully on the log of truth. Evil Conspiracies evaporate in waves of Cavendish smoke wafting from a bent apple billiard, or a walnut churchwarden. This is why when embarking on an epic freedom quest or attending a regional psychic fair, EKCAPA constantly feel the need to be with pipe and pouch, much like an enraged Gandalf. If you need to find us, look for the clouds of smoke emanating from Redshield and the Chartham Yoda ( who smokes licorice rollies exclusively). It is our belief that one day the health police will loose the doors of the pen, and the sheep will all take up the healthy and invigorating hobby of pipe smoking, leaning casually against farm gates puffing furiously.
Service Station Diet
Spending a lot of time on the road, a man gets hungry. Walking with a stiff gait past the fruit salads and the special K's, we go straight to the pasties and red bull fridge. If you desperately want, Redshield and the Chartham Yoda will give you a run down of the finer points of Ginsters pasties and Frijj Milkshake combos (we cant include Bluechip, he once ate a yoghurt). We have sacrificed our health for the truth, and are eating for two due to the probable prison sentence we will have to undertake when the New World Order reigns supreme. If you even mention a vegetable in our presence, you are out. The truth is out there, and it comes in a parcel of highly processed pastry.
Leather fashion accessories
Highly popular within the Conspiracy community since the early 90's, the leather hat simultaneously screams man of action, academic and fantastic lover. Along with the beard and socks and sandals combo, it is the most fashionable thing since David Ickes mullet. No investigator is right without one.
Caffeine
Again in our struggle against the powers that be, we cannot just survive on tobacco and the odd regional Real Ale. We also have to rely on Aunty Caffeine, especially for those late night think tank sessions in Chartham. Whether in Staffordshire Bull Terrier owning 500ml can, or in high class Italian expresso style, along with the finer points of Atlantis theory, caffeine remains one of the two things that can get Redshield out of bed. Sleep is for sheep.
Regional Real Ale
Imported fizzy fight fuel, and multicoloured witch juice, purveyed at ‘night clubs’, may be the greatest threat to the freeing of mans mind from the forces that wish to control it. However a hearty pint of Hayswains Jockstrap from the Frumpy Druids Brewery in upper Tavistock, reverses any evils that alcohol might cause. EKCAPA loves nothing better than a day when the sun is out and beautiful women are abroad searching for eligible men, so that we can avoid them and sit in the snug of an unpopular pub, drinking heroic quantities of warm beer, smoking enormous pipes (outside of course), and eventually getting very drunk, justifying ourselves with the excuse that real ale produces a different and more mellow kind of drunkenness. All of our most inspired moments have come whilst supping on liquid bread. Of course, after 8 pints of the good stuff, Redsheild always turns the event into a one man polemic against the New World Order, eventually being ejected by Security who are ‘in on it’. Drink ale and fight oppression very slowly.
Highly Rewarding Careers
We, of course have to subsidise our weekend trips fighting evil, with some sort of ‘day job’. Redshield has proudly served for many years as a Customer Support Assistant at Cartridge World, finding this to be the perfect accompaniment to his quest, providing him with £5.85 minimum wage, and reasonably flexible work hours. The Chartham Yoda with his greater years of experience found himself called to work as a lab assistant in a school, and Bluechip works as a Computer Maintenance Man for the council. This is all of course until the masterwork, The Conspiracy Sausage comes out, when we will become simultaneously wealthy, and also imprisoned for uncovering the truth. Some would think that our lack of conventional job success makes us losers, however to that we say ‘Mum and Dad, you wont think that in 2012, when all we’ve said has come true’. Reject slavery, get a job at Asda.
